I'm not dead.

Just in case any of you were wondering, we did make it home from New York. We've only just been able to get t'internet out in the wilds of Galway where we live - I never thought we'd see the day when Cogaula had 7mb broadband! So anyway, I should be updating this thing more frequently than 'every six months' from now on.

Not that any of you were wondering. I mean, the only people that read this thing are people I'm related to. But hell, I shall carry on, pissing my meaningless nonsense into that great soulless abyss they call 'cyberspace'. Not that anyone calls it that anymore. Shame. I like that word.

NYC Diary - Day 10

Okay, I know I got excited about this on Day 5, but today really is BATMAN DAY!!! We bought tickets at the weekend, and we were still lucky to get them – it was the only IMAX screening available this week! So I had to drag Johanna out of bed at 8:30 to make sure we’d get there in time for the 10am screening. We got a cab up to 68^th, and got into the IMAX screen by about 9:10. At this point, Johanna was baffled as to why on earth we’d come into an empty screen so early, but it rapidly became clear. Unbelievably, people were still wandering in at five to ten, and then complaining that they couldn’t get decent seats. Hello? Sold out performance? Dark Knight? Get here early, bell-end.

Anyway, as if my excitement levels weren’t already at bursting point, the opening trailer was for Watchmen. Watchmen is, without a doubt, the greatest graphic novel of all time – hell, I’d class it as one of the greatest books of all time, let’s not limit it to a small sub-genre. Now, I’ve been pretty wary of a film version for as long as they’ve been talking about it; it’s a very hard adaptation to make. From the trailer though, it looks like Zak Snyder has nailed it, bringing the same faithfulness to it as he did to 300. It’s not out until next March, and I’m trying to figure out an excuse to get us back here then so we can see it on the IMAX screen. My friend Max is still actually convinced that the whole wedding – honeymoon thing was just a plot to make sure I was in New York for the Dark Knight release. I, however, couldn’t possibly comment on that issue.

So anyway, it was then on to the main course; The Dark Knight itself. I’m not going to post any spoilers or anything here, so I’ll keep it brief and surprise free. First off, all that praise over Heath Ledger? Entirely justified. People are already starting to say he wouldn’t be getting such accolades if it wasn’t for his death. I say piss off. His performance is astounding, dead or not. When it was first announced that The Joker would be returning, I immediately dismissed it as a bad idea; who could possibly do The Joker better than Jack Nicholson? Well, it turns out Ledger could. He’s an absolute revelation; an utterly terrifying turn as chaos embodied.

That’s not to detract, however, from both Bale’s performance and Nolan’s direction. Bale is, as always, stunning, bringing humanity and subtlety to what essentially is a summer blockbuster. And as for Nolan – he’s crafted one of the darkest, most twisted and bleakest films Hollywood has ever seen, and he must be applauded for it. I can’t recommend it enough. Go and see it. Now. Oh, you can’t until tomorrow. Ha ha ha.

I have to say, I did feel like that guy off The IT Crowd - Roy’s friend Dominator. I was texting all my friends after the film like a proper little geek. ‘I HAVE ALREADY SEEN IT!’

After the film, we headed to an Italian restaurant just down the road for a bite to eat. Well, it was intended to be a bite – the portions were so huge they could have fed a family of four (or Tom). I had a lasagne, which was seriously as big as the ones we’d make at home to last a couple of days. I managed to eat three quarters of it, which I was proud of; even the waiter was impressed. Especially when I managed to shove some profiteroles down my gob afterwards.

So then, sated, we rolled back home to lay in the hotel room, like snakes trying to digest the one huge meal that will keep them going all day, only venturing out later on that night to do some last-minute shopping.

NYC Diary - Day 9

One of the things I’ve really wanted to do ever since we got here was see the NYC Fire Museum. I’ve never been to see it before, and it’s one of those things that’s a bit in the middle of nowhere – most stuff in New York, you can plan to do together, but this is a bit off the beaten track. We decided that we’d just head down there to see it this morning regardless, and then see what we fancied doing for the rest of the day.

So we jumped on the subway in Times Square (no mishaps this time) and got down to Canal St. The museum is only a couple of blocks away, and it’s an amazing place. I’d definitely recommend anyone visiting New York to check it out. There’s really two parts to it, one that’s full of old Fire Service memorabilia – there’s equipment from the 19^th century, all the old engines and appliances, everything right up to the current day. It’s fascinating stuff.

What I’d really recommend it for though, is the 9/11 memorial they’ve got going on there. It’s an incredibly moving and respectful piece. There’s an entire room dedicated towards it, comprised of different parts. First off, there’s a big block in the centre of the room, made up entirely of the names and pictures of all the Firefighters that died in the attacks. There’s also pictures all over the walls, showing the events of the day; including some, unbelievably, from a camera that was found in the wreckage. It had belonged to one of the firefighters, but he’d lost it in the rescue attempt and subsequent panic. The camera is trashed, but somehow, the film survived and they had the pictures processed. There’s also display cabinets with items from the day; destroyed helmets and walkie talkies, bits of fire equipment and even fire trucks, even a bit of one of the planes that hit the towers. I’m not ashamed to say I was very moved by it all; I think anyone who’s got a Firefighter in the family would be upset by the death of 343 of New York’s Bravest.

We stopped for a drink afterwards and had a peek at the guidebook to see if we’d missed anything we really wanted to see. We realised that we hadn’t yet seen the Statue of Liberty, which was only a few stops away. So we hopped back on the subway (getting the hang of it now) and got it down to the bottom of Manhattan. We’d decided we were not too bothered getting the ferry out to it, but it’d be a crime to come over and not at least see her. We took a wonderful walk through Battery Park; the heat had died down a bit, and the breeze from the ocean made the weather pleasant for the first time all week! There's also a rather spectacular monument in the park called The Sphere. It was actually on display in the plaza of the World Trade Centre, and somehow survived two buildings falling on it - the only piece of artwork to survive the disaster. It's pretty badly smashed up, but it's amazing to see.

We headed back to the hotel after that, after a brief stop-off at a fashion museum Johanna wanted to see. We were feeling pretty lazy, so after heading out to do a bit of shopping, we decided it was time to order some room service. For some apparent reason, the menu for room service is much bigger and better than the one in the restaurant. The food was amazing, almost worth the outrageous prices!

NYC Diary - Day 8

Sigh… time is flying past so quickly here, I can’t believe I’m writing in day 8 already! It won’t be long before I’m back at work. That’s going to be a crash down into reality; I haven’t worked yet this month! Well, we’ve already covered a lot of what we wanted to see here in New York, so we’re just ‘mopping up’ the last bits. We went to MOMA today (the Museum of Modern Art), mainly to see Johanna’s favourite painting, ‘Starry Night’. Typically, that was the only painting that was currently out on tour. It’s still a good gallery though; it’s a lot easier to deal with than the absolute marathon ones we’ve been to already. Being a gallery of modern art, there’s a lot of shit to wade through, but there’s some great stuff in there. One of the best sections is the design and architecture one; it’s full of weird chairs and lights, and is quite fascinating. There’s also currently an exhibit on about home design, so there was an old post-war prefab house set up on the top floor. It was ace!

We left there after a couple of hours to get back to the hotel, as I wasn’t feeling too great. Johanna is convinced it was the Chicken, Jalapeno and Tabasco sauce sandwich that I ate after it’d been sat out in 100° heat for 24 hours. I’m not convinced.

Anyway, after reconvening at the hotel for a few hours, we had to go out again – mainly because I’d got up to volume 9 of Death Note, and that’s the only one of the twelve that Forbidden Planet had sold out of, and thus the only one I’m missing. So we set off to take a wander up to Virgin, with me under strict instructions that I was allowed 20 minutes in there, no more. We popped into Toys ‘R’ Us on the way there again, and picked up an EVE to accompany Wall.E. They interact and everything, you just set one off and the other starts talking back. They carry on until you switch them off, too. It was cute for about 10 minutes. They’re both ace though, can’t wait to get them home and unpack them properly.

Well, Virgin had everything but volume 9, so I persuaded Johanna to walk down to Kinokuniya bookstores to see if they had it. On the way, we went down a street that had a sign reading ‘No Horn - $350 penalty’. That must kill New Yorkers. They love nothing more than beeping at everything. Hell, we’ve even seen bicycles here that have their own air horn. Anyway, turns out Kinokuniya also had all the volumes except volume 9. Well, they had volume 9 in Japanese, but that ain’t much good to me. It seems that everyone in New York got to volume 9 the same time I did. Well, after a walk back to the hotel, I noticed that there was a Barnes & Noble on the block next to us, and yes, they had it – so our 10-block trek around midtown was slightly in vain. Ah well, we bought some good presents on our trails!

We went out again later to grab a bite to eat. We decided to head to Times Square, as we haven’t seen it at night yet. It’s crazy, there’s so much light pollution that it doesn’t ever get dark! I was also entertained by the dodgy streethawks that come out at night – there was a guy there with a big bag of bootleg DVDs – Dark Knight, Hancock, Wall.E, Wanted… I haven’t seen anything like that since the guys down The Moor in Sheffield, who you used to see legging it down the road with a crate full of knock-off films while the coppers cased them. My burger cravings kicked in, so we tried the Hard Rock café – only to discover there was a queue to get in at 10:30pm! We got to see some cool memorabilia in there though, including the suits the Beatles wore when they first arrived in America. We ended up in TGI Fridays across the road, as I can’t get enough of that Jack Daniels sauce.

NYC Diary - Day 7

We decided to go check out the Natural History Museum today, another 30+ block walk. We stopped for an early morning sandwich in a place called Lenny’s – where Keanu Reeves eats, apparently. He wasn’t there while we were, unfortunately – I’d have loved to sit in front of him and eat my spicy chicken grill roll in bullet-time.

We hit Central Park and took a nice stroll through it, rather than walking up the hot and humid streets. It didn’t make too much of a difference; by the time we got to the museum, I was sweating like a paedophile in mothercare. The museum is ace though; I felt like I was seven years old again when we hit the Dinosaur galleries. The life-size Blue Whale replica is still jaw-dropping too. My only complaint with it is how much you have to pay to get into the special exhibits. It costs $15 each into the museum in the first place, and then can cost over $20 into any of the exhibits – the IMAX screens, the planetarium, and the seasonal shows (currently Lizards and Horses). I really fancied seeing the Lizards section, but I wasn’t paying extra cash to see scaly things I see for free down at Petworld.

On the way back, we dropped into the IMAX cinema on Broadway and got our Dark Knight tickets – 50 foot Batman on Wednesday! I can’t wait. All those reports about it being the biggest opening weekend aren’t exaggerated, I can tell you that from first hand experience. They were queuing around the block at the cinema down in Union Square on Saturday; and the only available IMAX showing this week was the 10am one on Wednesday. It’s crazy!

We decided to have a rather fancy night out and eat in the hotel restaurant. Being a four-star hotel, it’s all very hoity-toity. I’m a simple Yorkshire lad; I hadn’t even heard of most of the side dishes, let alone the mains! The food was nice though, even if my cod did look like it was sat in a pile of fairy liquid. And I couldn’t help but chuckle at my dessert; Chocolate Grand Marnier Tart, with crème schlag and candied kumquats, at a cost of $15. And do you know what? It tasted like an orange Club bar. And it had something called schlag. Heh heh heh.

So we settled back into the bar for a few drinks, which again, was ludicrously expensive ($28 for a beer and a wine!!!). It’s a beautiful bar though; very steampunk, so it was kinda worth it. But to be honest, if I’m paying $15 for a bottle of beer, I’d expect it to be served on Scarlett Johansson.

NYC Diary - Day 6

We had another late start today. Johanna wasn’t feeling great in the morning, so we took it easy and rested in the hotel. We eventually set off around one, with the plan of having another massive walk! We took a wander down to Times Square to get the subway all the way down to Chambers St.

I hate the subway. I can never figure the bloody thing out. The Tube in London? Knew it like the back of my hand. The Metro in Paris? Was in Paris for 5 days and used it like a local. The Subway in New York? Baffles the shit out of me. I don’t know what it is about it, but it always makes me confused and angry. Anyway, we managed to get down to Chambers St without too many mishaps (well, apart from Johanna getting stuck in the turnstile…) and set off on our quest.

Our first stop was a visit to Ground Zero. It’s still a really unsettling place. You get used to New York as a huge, bustling monster; a place where you can rarely see the sky unless you’re looking straight up, where buildings crowd every view. And then suddenly you walk out… and there’s a couple of empty blocks, and giant hole in the middle of the city. It’s still an eerie place to be. I was first here about four years ago, and then it was even more strange – all the buildings surrounding the site were still bound up with scaffolding, there was a huge crucifix made of girders on the actual site, and people walking by seemed to be quiet; there was an air of reverence around the place. It’s not so much now; it’s still a place treated with respect, but the New York hustle is going on again.

We popped into Century 21, across the street – ‘New York’s Number One Discount Designer store!’, apparently. Johanna had been really looking forward to coming down to it, but she ended up being quite disappointed. I didn’t realise it until we got to New York, but she hates shopping! Well, it’s not so much ‘shopping’ as ‘browsing’ - don’t get me wrong, she loves buying new things, she just hates having to rummage through piles of stuff. If the things she wants aren’t right there in front of her – and in a neat order – she just gets frustrated. I’m the absolute opposite, I love to spend all day rooting through shops. She said that’s why she gets so bored when she’s with me in record shops – she can’t understand why I have to go through every shelf in A – Z order (well, she can – it’s because I’m an anal freak).

After that, we set off on a walk back up Manhattan, taking us past some cool places on the way. First off, I managed to find a Games shop that a) wasn’t shite and b) had bloody AC, so I finally managed to have a root around and pick up the games I wanted (CONTRA DS!), as well as a few other bargains. Then, after that, we hit Chinatown.

Chinatown is weird. It does genuinely feel like you’re suddenly in another country. All the hoardings are in Chinese, the streets are lined with carts selling odd vegetables and spices, and there are dragons and little gold cats in every window. The thing is, as a tourist, there’s not really much to do there. See, Chinatown isn’t really a tourist attraction – it’s where the Chinese community actually live and work, so it’s a fully functioning little town.

Little Italy, on the other hand, is the polar opposite. This place is entirely for tourists. Most of the Italian population has moved out, but the streets are still lined with Scarface and Sopranos t-shirts, and there’s red, white and green hanging everywhere. It’s incredibly jarring how quickly Chinatown and Little Italy clash too – it’s literally one street where everything is Chinese on one side, and Italian on the other. We stopped for a bite here – well, mainly for a drink, as it was well over a hundred degrees, and, according to Johanna, my face was so red she thought my head was going to explode.

After Little Italy, we set off back up Manhattan, armed with a map marked with shops I’ve been recommended on t’internet. First up, we managed to find a decent lingerie shop for Johanna. She was determined to blow a load of cash on some good lingerie since she got here, but she’s been completely thwarted so far – mainly by the fact that most lingerie shops here are Victoria’s Secret, which, as I’ve already mentioned, is absolute rubbish. After spending an obscene amount there, we headed to what has immediately become my favourite shop of all time – Video Games New York.

It’s more of a museum than a shop. It’s absolutely chock-full of old consoles and games. Magnavox Odyssey, Intellivision, Pong Machines, Ataris, Game & Watch… pretty much everything from the history of gaming was there, and for sale. I could have spent thousands in there. In the end, I only spent $15 on a boxed official SNES controller (mine’s knackered) – although I was so close to blowing $250 on Radiant Silvergun. I’ve never actually seen a copy of it, so I sat pawing the glass and drooling. I think Johanna might divorce me though – when she realised I was seriously considering buying it, the look on her face was priceless. That game is my holy grail. It will be mine. Oh yes.

And after that we hit Forbidden Planet! I love this shop too. It’s another one that I have to be careful in, or I could be leaving with loads of manga, but no money or wife. As it was, I managed not to spend too much. I did pick up the entire Death Note series though, as they had an offer of three manga for $20! They’re about €11 each in Ireland, with maybe a 3 for €30 offer if you’re lucky. I also picked up a couple of those Japanese mystery boxes for the series. I love those little toys you get inside them, and it’s great at first getting a mystery gift, but by the end you just want to be able to choose the ones you really want!

After Johanna dragged me out of FP, we realised it was time for another great New York tradition – hailing a cab! We had about 3 blocks to go to our hotel, and were already shattered and boiling by this point, so I sent Johanna out to hail one (she’s got nicer boobs than me, they stop faster) and we headed back to the hotel.

NYC Diary - Day 5

Friday 18^th July was a day I’ve been looking forward to for a long time. For today… is BATMAN DAY! That’s right, The Dark Knight was released here yesterday, so we set off to watch it on the IMAX screens up on 68^th & Broadway. Unfortunately, we got there only to discover that it’s sold out until bloody Tuesday! TUESDAY!!! It’s available on the normal screens – if you fancy going at 1am, that is. But I really, really want to see it on the IMAX Screen, so I think I’m going to wait. Much as I’d love to see it a week before all you lot, I think it’ll be worth waiting to see it on a giant bastard screen.

So anyway, we had a few stops on the walk up. We set off walking up Broadway, where we were distracted by M&Ms World. Yes, that’s an entire shop dedicated to M&Ms. There’s M&Ms of every colour you can imagine, as well as every bit of merchandise you could ever imagine – t-shirts, teddies, statues, cutlery, golf clubs, plates, glasses, playing cards… I walked around the place in a state of bafflement. Who likes M&Ms this much? It does symbolise everything I love about New York though. I can’t think of many other places in the world where you’d get an entire shop dedicated to a peanut with eyes.

Our next stop was Ellen’s Stardust Diner. We’d just been looking for somewhere to have breakfast. By the time we got there, it was practically lunchtime, so we stopped for a burger. Ellen’s is a real old-school American diner like you’d see in the movies; full of waitresses called Dee Dee who jump up on the tables to sing songs every few minutes. It’s a great laugh, and the burgers and shakes are top notch.

Well, we got to the cinema not long after that, and decided we’d walked too far not to see anything. We decided on finally watching Wall.E; which, somehow, managed to live up to the ridiculous levels of hype I’ve built up in my head for it. It’s an absolutely amazing film, fully deserving of all the accolades and 5-Star reviews. It has an alarmingly political message too, especially for what’s ostensibly a kids’ movie. It’s a damning condemnation of human apathy; towards ourselves, and our planet. Of course, if you’re a wee kiddie, you could just be laughing at the funny robots, but it’s great to see a summer blockbuster dare to be different. It’s an absolute masterpiece, reminiscent of old silent movies; I was reminded of Chaplin on more than one occasion. It had me almost crying both with laughter and just at the sheer beauty of the animation and character design. I want a Wall.E!

We got back to the hotel about five-ish. Johanna decided she wanted a quick nap before dinner, which rapidly turned into ‘I’m not getting out of this bed until tomorrow’, leaving me to spend all evening working my way through the books and DVDs I’ve bought in the last week. I’ve become utterly hooked on Death Note – I bought volume 1 of the manga a few days ago, and picked up 2 & 3 in Barnes & Noble yesterday (along with Chuck Palahniuk’s new one, Snuff, which I can’t wait to get stuck in to!). I think I’m going to have to get the entire Death Note collection while I’m here, it’s only $8 a book, compared to the €11 back home!

NYC Diary - Day 4

We decided on taking it a bit easier today. What with the wedding plans, then the wedding, then the post-wedding parties, then the honeymoon, and then three days of walking all over Manhattan, we were a bit shattered! So we had a bit of a lie-in, and set off about mid-day with no real plans on anything except wandering around midtown. We decided to take a walk down Broadway and check out the Manhattan Mall. Turns out that wasn’t a great idea, as it’s currently being renovated. It’s still open, it’s just that there’s only about four shops open in it, and it’s quite clearly a building site. So we ended up taking a walk back up 5^th, where we spotted a wee pub on 36th street called… The Galway Hooker! We couldn’t pass up a drink in it, so we popped in for a crafty one. I’ve always found that Americans aren’t too big on drinking pints, so to find a pub that served them was a bonus. Well, it would have been, if it hadn’t been flat and poured badly. No wonder everyone over here drinks bottles!

After that, we carried on walking back to the hotel. It was too bloody hot to stay outside! Seriously, it’s almost 100 degrees here, and when you combine that with the humidity and traffic, around midday can be almost unbearable. We stopped off in the New York Library on the way back. I managed to resist the urge to climb on the lions outside (but only just). It’s a gorgeous building, and the interior is even more stunning. There was a great exhibition going on too, ‘Eminent Domain'which was a collection of photos of the city.

The walk back to the hotel took us past the HBO shop. It’s only small, but it’s got some great stuff. I picked up a good few presents for people there, as well as a The Wire t-shirt for myself. I had to eventually drag Johanna away from all the Sex & The City merchandise though…

I also managed to find Kinokuniya bookstore – it’s one of my favourite shops in New York. It used to be near Nintendo World, but when we got there on Tuesday, the building was empty. Turns out that they’ve moved, and they’re only a few blocks from the hotel. It’s gone all upmarket now, there’s three floors of Japanese stuff! Johanna wisely went and got a coffee in the new Café upstairs, leaving me to spend an hour rooting through manga and tiny Japanese toys.

We ended up spending most of the afternoon lounging and lazing around the hotel room. I know that we’re in New York and there’s loads to do, but sometimes there’s nothing better than relaxing! We popped out for a meal later on; to a big place just off Times Square called Fresh Mex. I had a giant meal called ‘Super Cinco’, which had five different Mexican dishes combined into one! Seriously, it’s no wonder this country has an obesity problem. If it wasn’t for the fact that New Yorkers walk everywhere, they’d all be 30 stone!

NYC Diary - Day 3

Another early start. I think when you’re in New York you can make one of two choices. Choice a) is wake up early, spend all day ploughing around the city shopping and sightseeing, and be passed out asleep by 10pm; or choice b) go out partying until 6am and spend all day in bed. I don’t think it’s possible to mix the two, and we’ve gone for choice a!

So we decided that after two days of shopping we’d have a bit of culture – it was time to hit the Met! It’s about forty blocks north of us, but after twenty blocks you hit Central Park so the next twenty are a pleasant stroll. Johanna still hasn’t grasped this navigation malarkey yet, asking at every corner “Which way now?”, “Up, honey. We just keep going up.” “Oh, okay…. Which way now?”. I’m not quite sure how she finds her way downstairs in the morning.

Anyway, we got distracted on the way there by the ‘World of Disney’ store, in which we spent about an hour running around like little kids. That’s including the ten minutes I spent staring slack-jawed at the Jessica Rabbit portrait in the art section upstairs.

We hit the Met at about 11, and spent pretty much all day there. It’s an amazing museum; my only issue with it is there’s simply too much too see! It’s impossible to cover it all in a day. I was gutted to discover that most of the Japanese wing was closed for renovations; I really wanted to see Hokusai’s Great Wave. It was still a great day though; we took about a hundred photos across all the exhibits. There was two special exhibits going on too; the first was a Superheroes: Fashion and Fantasy one, which had actual costumes from films, as well as ones inspired by them. The ‘inspired by’ ones were absolute shite, but seeing the actual costumes from films – Michelle Pfieffer’s Catwoman, Tobey Maguire’s Spiderman, Christian Bale’s Batman, Robert Downey Jr’s Iron Man prototype, the old Wonder Woman costume – was ace! Photography was not allowed, but that didn’t stop me sneaking a few shots when the staff weren’t looking.

The next exhibit was Jeff Koon’s ‘On The Roof’. The artwork wasn’t up to much, but, as it was on the roof of the Met, the views across Central Park and Manhattan were stunning! We got a few photos fired off there, but then had to escape back in to the air-conditioned halls before we melted.

We had dinner in a rather fancy Italian restaurant called Salute!, which served good food, but was loud and overcrowded. Seemed to be quite a fashionable place to eat, which immediately puts me off! ‘Twas very nice though, I’d love to eat it again right now… must find breakfast…

Oh, and to all of you that have sent me messages asking what on earth I’m doing blogging / facebooking on my honeymoon in New York – I still wake up at least two hours before Johanna does, married or not!

NYC Diary - Day 2

I still haven’t got used to the time difference yet, so I woke up just after 6 and spent that time teasing people on the net that I’m in New York. We eventually set off wandering at about 9, with no real plan for the day other than to meander around Midtown and do some shopping. We hit the Rockefeller Centre for a bit of breakfast. We’ve still not got used to American portions yet. We both just got a sandwich - mine was so bloody huge I couldn’t even get my gob around it, let alone finish it.

Now satisfied, we set off to do a bit of shopping. We went to the NBC store first, which was ace – I think we’ll be getting most people’s presents from there! You can even buy sets of Scrubs, which I might have to go back for. I might also go back and blow a load of cash on all the Heroes merchandise. They’ve got all the action figures and I keep picking them up, then realise they’re shit and put them down again.

After that (and a six-block wrong turn) we eventually found The Holy Land… sorry, Nintendo World.

I love Nintendo World.

Nintendo World rules. It’s just chock-full of Nintendo merch, as well as loads of displays of Nintendo history – old Hanafuda playing cards, prototypes, rarities, customised DS consoles, the lot. It’s amazing. I am more impressed, however, that Johanna spent more in there than I did. I knew I’d found a keeper…

Now it was Johanna’s turn – we headed down to Macy’s. We stopped in Victoria’s Secret on the way. Her secret seems to be that despite being regarded as the best lingerie shop in the world, the stores are actually shite. Anyway, we hit Macy’s straight afterwards. I couldn’t tell you much about it, apart from it’s across eight floors, which you have to navigate via rickety old wooden escalators that terrified Johanna. She’s scared enough of the shiny new ones, the bogger :)

We then decided it was food time, and ended up in TGI Fridays. That Jack Daniels sauce is king. Johanna also ordered some kind of fruity margarita, which came as a pint. Cock on. She struggled to finish it so I, caring husband that I am, helped her out. That’s what I do.

We ended up in Virgin Megastores after that for about an hour (which Johanna will tell you was about six hours. She’s lying). I could spend a day in there, no bother. “World’s largest DVD section you say? Bring it on!”. There was also the soundtrack composers for the Dark Knight doing a signing in there. I got really excited when I saw the table set up; I went running over thinking ‘Who’s doing a signing? Christian Bale? Maggie Gyllenhall? Gary Oldman? Michael Caine? Oh… composers…’. So that was a bit of an anticlimax, then. I was again impressed by Johanna, who, despite yawning and looking bored all the way around, still managed to spend more than me. I’m not sure how she does it.

NYC Diary - Day 1

We woke at the deeply wrong time of 5am, after our ‘early night’ turned into ‘sat in Asian restaurant scoffing yaki soba until 2am’. So anyway, we got to Dublin Airport at around 6, to discover that it’s now been upgraded from a shithole – it’s now a shithole on a building site. It’ll probably be a nice airport in about a decade or so.

Anyway, it turned out our flight had been delayed for three hours, so we stocked up on books and mags and settled down for the long haul. Turns out though, that Dublin Airport has its own US Immigration department – so instead of having to spend hours in a massive queue in JFK, we were officially in the USA before we even took off! Good work guys. So we finally got the flight – Johanna’s never flown further than France before, so she was quite excited! I was more excited about the in-flight movie, until it turned out to be Nim’s Bastard Island (Why, Gerard? WHY?!?).

So we hit NY at about 3pm their time. Now, I’ve spent the last few months hammering GTA IV – I think my addiction levels are still around ‘Fiend’ – so I immediately felt like I knew the city like the back of my hand. This odd feeling, however, was compounded by the Eastern European taxi driver who accosted us the moment we got out of baggage control. He was comedy gold, a fellow called Dave Ross, who was definitely a long-lost Bellic. He got us to our hotel, chatting all the way, offering us tips and advice – hell, he even pulled up and stopped in the middle of the Queens Bridge so we could photograph the skyline, which I’m pretty sure is illegal…

We got to our hotel, and my jaw hit the floor. This place is fucking insane. The lobby itself looks like a supervillain’s lair – it’s all twisted wood panels, fire, and dark seats. I’m sure I’m going to spend most of my time sat in there, drinking Brandy and stroking an imaginary cat. The rooms are awesome too – just to give you an idea, our room has a BOSE iPod sound system and a 36” HDTV. We’re up on the 14^th floor too, which my wife confesses is ‘the highest she’s ever been’. Bless. The only bad thing I can spot is that I’m going to spend all ten days here convinced they’re going to realise I’m a working-class Yorkshire oik and turf me out.

We hit the streets in search of food right away. We’re only a block or so from Times Square, and I decided the best way to complete Johanna’s sensory overload was to take her straight there. She was blown away – as was I, I don’t think you can ever really get used to that place, especially as I now live in the wilds, with my nearest neighbour being an exceptionally noisy cow who seems to be getting raped on an hourly basis. Anyway, Johanna made what I consider to be the ‘New York Mistake’ – let me explain. Now, this city has the finest cuisine in the world. The best. If you can name a country, you can probably find a restaurant serving its national dish. However, I’ve always found that if you just pick a vague idea, like ‘Mexican’ or ‘Chinese’, rather than a specific restaurant, you can be wandering for a while. I’ve always found that if you just have a look at every restaurant as you’re walking around, you’ll fall fine. So that’s what we ended up doing. Johanna fancied Italian, so we wandered a good few blocks or so without finding anything that seemed decent. It was at that point that I spotted a wee place called Havana NY – a Cuban restaurant. Now, I’ve always found that the best way to judge a restaurant is if it’s populated by people of its own ethnic origin, you won’t go far wrong – for example, back in Rotherham, I’d only eat at the curry places where the Indian people ate. So when this Cuban place was full of Cubans chatting loudly and drinking, I knew it was worth a go. We had a cracking meal – fair play to Johanna, who can be a bit of a creature of habit when it comes to food, for just picking something at random from the menu!

So we set off back to the hotel, having been awake for 21 hours at this point. Somehow along the way we ended up in Toys ‘R’ Us. Not sure how it happened, but boy, toy shops are even more fun when you’re slightly squiffy on Sangria! I could live in that place. They’ve got a Dark Knight exhibit on at the moment, with a proper Batsuit and a scaled replica of the Tumbler. And even better, Johanna bought me a Wall.E toy that moves around beeping and gurbling. I’m in love with it. I keep hugging this burbling hunk of plastic. I haven’t even seen the film yet, but on character design alone I’m declaring it BEST THING EVARZ!!

Wasn't until we got back to the hotel that I discovered that the Dark Knight black-carpet premiere had been happenng a few blocks away. Bastard.

Blashphemalicious!

Stolen from the Bloodstock forums...

Southland Tales

Ever since Southland Tales got slated at Cannes, I've been looking forward to seeing it. Normally, those films that polarise opinion (or just plain get hammered), I tend to love. The Fountain, for example, is without a doubt one of my favourite films of all time.

I was looking forward to it even more due to the fact that Richard Kelly was directing. Donnie Darko was an absolute masterpiece.

So you can begin to imagine how disappointed I was when Southland Tales turned out to be a staggering pile of shit.

It's terrifyingly bad. I'm not talking bad in a fun way; something you could whack on with a bunch of mates and enjoy, even if it isn't going to win any awards - like Phantoms, or Dead or Alive, or the oeuvre of Uwe Boll. I mean it's embarassingly bad. It's crushingly dull; overbearingly pretentious, and is trying far too hard to be 'quirky'. It's like watching the works of a sixth-form goth who's obsessed by David Lynch.

The cast is ridiculous, for a start. I mean, just look at who's in it: Justin Timberlake. The Rock. Miranda Richardson. Sarah Michelle Gellar. Bai Ling. Christopher Lambert. Sean William Scott. Mandy Moore. Wallace Shawn. So you've got scenes where Queenie from Blackadder and Rex from Toy Story are spouting pseudo-science rubbish and it's impossible to take it seriously. Hell, it doesn't matter who's saying it, it'd still be garbage: you can't polish a turd.

I'll be honest, I couldn't even sit through it all. It's incredibly rare that I don't see a film through to the end. After ten minutes, my GTA IV craving was beginning to itch; however, I was determined to see it through. At 1hr 30mins, bored off my tits, I realised that there was still almost an hour to go. Maybe one day I'll finish it off. Mind you, someone should have finished this bloody film off long before it even finished shooting.

Wow! Now I have to get a PS3!

...and my decision is made by the announcement of the stunning exclusive game out for christmas.

Bioshock!

Man, I've been waiting for this game for years! It's amazing that it'll be out this christmas! I was hoping it'd come out, say, oh, August 2007.

Oh, hang on...

Gerard Butler: No.

Yes.

Yes.


No.


No.

That is all.

Curse of the Golden Flower

Let's be clear from the start: I love Zhang Yimou films. Absolutely adore them. House of Flying Daggers is without doubt one of my favourite films of all time. I even managed to blag my way into one of the first UK preview screenings of it. So it was with great anticipation that I watched Curse of the Golden Flower. I missed it at the cinema - mainly because it can be a real pain in the arse trying to find anywhere playing World Cinema outside of Dublin - so I finally got round to watching it on DVD this weekend.

And... it's not very good.

Don't get me wrong, it looks incredible, as can always be expected. It's even more extravagant than his previous films; the palace is literally stunning. It's an utter explosion of colour, the costumes are beyond extravagant, and, somewhere between House... and Curse..., he discovered boobs. This film is cleavagetastic. Seriously, Gong Li could use her cleavage as a shelf. The openng sequence is just boobs.

Anyway, enough about the boobs, and onto what's wrong. For a start, this is barely a martial arts film. It's true that Yimou's films have always been more than martial arts; hell, House... is a love story with kicking. But this is just a period drama; the final battle withstanding, there's very little action that sticks in the mind.

More criminally for me is the storyline - while it's as twisting and turning as its epic predecessors, it's also predictable and quite dull. All the characters are very two-dimensional, and are all unlikeable, despicable, back-stabbing shits. There isn't a drop of sympathy or empathy for any of them at all, meaning that quite frankly, I couldn't care less about who came out on top of the family power-struggle. They're all just bland. It's not like the characters from Hero or House; just think of the fantastic characters in those films: Maggie Cheung as Flying Snow, Donnie Yen as Sky, Jet Li as nameless, Zhang Ziyi as Xiao Mei, Andy Lau as Leo, Takeshi Kaneshiro as Jin... they were all fantastic creations, larger-than-life. Chow Yun Fat and Gong Li are both pretty good, but there's just not a lot below the surface. They're both plotting, scheming, evil shites.

It's all surface and no depth. Without the backbone, Yimou's visual opulence just accentuates how shallow the film is. There's very little to recommend about the film apart from just how pretty it is - and what's the point of that when you could just watch something with beauty and depth?

Earthworm Jim is back!

Hooray! Interplay have just announced that they're re-launching Earthworm Jim - and not only the game (which is great news) but the cartoon too (which is fucking AMAZING news!). The original creator, Douglas TenNapel, is on board, so hopefully it won't be arse like Earthworm Jim 3D was. Douglas TenNapel. What a great name that is.

Can I get away with playing GTA IV now?

So GTA IV should be arriving at work in the next two days. I'm well looking forward to it. Even though San Andreas was a bit shite, I have high hopes for this one. I'm just wondering if I can get away with playing it on our 360 at work without Rockstar's team of elite ninjas hunting me down and eating my face. I think I'll just avoid Live until Tuesday, and then suddenly sign in at 00:01 with all the achievements. Ha ha! Eat that, score whores!

It's looking superb. I'm looking for a new game world that's massive and all-enveloping; everything I've played recently I've enjoyed, but it hasn't had me utterly addicted. Hell, I didn't even finish Super Mario Galaxy. In fact, I haven't been properly addicted to a game since Oblivion. I still play that fecking game now, even though I've finished almost every single quest, got every achievement, bought all the DLC, finished that, and have now wasted over 160 hours of my life in Cyrodiil. I'm hoping Liberty City will cure my Morrowinditis.

Comedy graphs

There was a selection of these in last weeks Guardian. I was reading the Guide while waiting for my food, and ended up sat in La Salsa with tears streaming down my face. I must have looked like a right tard.